It’s Christmas Eve Eve, and I’m currently battling dizziness and listening to angsty pop music. My only defense is that I feel like utter pants after missing two days of medication and my womb and breasts hurt because I’m on a period, and there is a lot of washing up that’s waiting to be done. Missing medication always screws me over, but usually I notice the lack of antidepressants before I really feel the lack of levothyroxine – this time, apparently, it’s the other way around. What would life be without a little variation? (Of course the lack of both always affects me in ways that I don’t notice/actively prescribe to missing the meds, so it’s really beside the point.)
On the plus side, my Christmas shopping is all done (even if some of it hasn’t yet arrived through the post), and today I managed to buy the food for dinner. Christmas is one of the few times a year that I cook meat for the other half (being a vegetarian for medical reasons), and I get a bit nervous about messing it up because I never really learned how to do it and I don’t do it regularly enough to be confident. This Christmas it’s a pork loin joint complete with crackling. Slice the crackling up a bit, rub it with salt and then stuff in the oven forever, and hopefully I will successfully feed people. I also have some veg to roast and a mushroom melt for me.
I find Christmas a bit of an emotional time generally (as I understand many people do). I’ve had some truly horrible ones, and for quite a while I learned to manage by treating it like any other day and forcing my expectations down to zero. The worst ones were during my later teenage years when I was desperately trying and no one else would, and for that reason now I have family I have this intense urge to make them amazing now, full of love and presents and fun. Usually they live up to it, and I push bad memories away, but it’s still a bit nerve wracking to let myself invest.
In less seasonal news, 10k every 10 days is going well as a project. I’m currently sitting pretty at 78k and expecting to hit 80k on Christmas Day itself (because I don’t see why I shouldn’t write in between presents and delicious noms). I am absolutely committed to sticking to this through the New Year as well, as I think it works well for me, keeping me productive without neglecting my duties as carer and such. I’m feeling better generally too, as it kicks my microachievement buzz and I love the writing. There’s a whole lot that I reckon I’ll end up cutting (scenes rather than words, as I normally need to add words on my first run of edits), but all writing is practice and I have no objections to writing scenes that teach me more about characters and world that don’t get included eventually.
All in all, I’m feeling a bit odd right now. On the one hand, dizzy, poorly, finding things difficult to face and pretty high on the want-to-self-harm scale (gotta love the self blame that comes from missing meds); on the other I’ve actually been pretty on top of things and am getting better control over my life. Whelp. Who knew.